Question: How long does it take one 4 year old child to bring an adult to tears?

Answer: Not long. A matter of minutes, in fact.

It's been a rough couple of days (weeks? Months? Who's keeping track). Some of Owen's issues that I thought were resolved are coming back full force. Some of his "autistic like behaviors" are just out of control where, previously, we had them right where we wanted them. Unbelievable that he was doing so well and now, just as we're about to have him re-evaluated, he's hugely regressing. Can I beat my head against a wall now? Pretty please?

The running away has me terrified. He went through a running phase a while ago (maybe 2 years ago? 1 1/2 years ago? Something like that. Funny how the mind tends to block out bad memories). It was to the point where he was harnessed ANY time we left the house. Even walking to the parking lot from our apartment door was horrible (even holding my hand he was likely to yank it away and run, forget it if I had to carry groceries or anything). Anyway, he was harnessed for a while, then- it seemed- he was doing so much better. We could go to the grocery store and he would, more or less, stay by me. Lots of calling him back but most of the time he would stay in the same aisle as me. Parking lots were still a huge cause for concern, as he seems to have no fear of cars (I have tried time and time again to teach him to stop and watch for cars). But he was doing a lot better. Now, though, he's back to running away. Some days I would rather starve than brave the grocery store with him. I still have his harness, and have toyed with the idea of putting it back on him. I just don't have the energy to deal with the nasty looks/comments from people who don't know what I go through every day.

And it's not just the store- I can't even breathe a sigh of relief and relax when we get home. He's figured out how to open the back door and the door to the garage- and won't hesitate for a second to do it. We've installed alarms on both of those doors that sound whenever the door is opened. The other day he had worn me down. I needed 10 minutes to relax. So, I drew up a bath and had him sit in the master bedroom (I was in the attached bath). I gave him his Leapster (figured if I could hear the Leapster then I would know he was safe). About 4 minutes into my bath I heard the alarm sound. I got out and ran downstairs to find him in the garage, on his tip toes trying to reach the button to open the garage door. Shit. Thankfully he's a little too short to reach it. But I know the day will come....

So, maybe I can get a break when he's in daycare, right? Wrong. Last week it was the end of the day. I was getting the last child ready to go, getting her coat on her. I looked around the room and didn't see Owen. So I yelled to one of my co-workers to look for him. She found him. Outside. Thank God another of my co-workers was by the door when he went out so she just stood out there with him until I got there. None of them would dare try to get him back in, knowing what would happen (kicking, screaming, clawing, etc). I have no idea what to do about him. Had my co-worker not seen him leave he would have been gone. He would have been running and he wouldn't have stopped. The daycare isn't on a too busy road but it's 1 block away from a HUGE road (probably one of, if not the, biggest in the town).

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I feel like I'm closer to 50. I have no energy. He's taken years off my life with his crazy tactics. I'm afraid to not constantly dye my hair for fear of how many of them are actually gray. You know what I want most for my birthday? One day- just one- where Owen takes it easy on me. I love Owen to death. I want to spend my birthday with him (wouldn't have it any other way). But I would love to go to the grocery store and not have him run away from me. I would love to be able to relax in a bath for 10 minutes without dashing down the stairs to keep him from running away. I would love to be able to sit down and read a book to him without him flipping out about me being "too close" and start scratching/biting me. I would love to be able to take him to the park and relax, knowing he's having fun, instead of being terrified that as soon as he gets to the top he's going to jump down (I, currently, have to follow him EVERYWHERE he goes at the park because he will climb to the highest spot and jump down without any concern about breaking bones).

But, that's just a dream. It's not going to happen. Maybe for my 25th birthday. Hey, I can dream right? Whatever gets me through the next year?